Jesus Christ On A Hot Plate

I'm sorry for the lack of updates

2006-11-04T18:58:00.001-04:00

My youngest son Felix, the little nob, came out of the closet.
Well, he didn't actually come OUT of the closet, he accidentally locked himself IN the closet and when we finally got the door open he was wearing his sister Moonie's nurses outfit over his mother's capri pants.

The Winter Olympics

2006-02-14T19:46:00.000-04:00

Me and Felix, the little nob, made a deal concerning the Olympics.
He doesn't have to watch hockey and I don't have to watch figure skating.

Some things are best left alone

2006-02-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

The damnedest thing happened tonight.
When Moonie and Felix, the little nob, got back from play practice they were skipping and singing
"I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair"
Over and over again.
When they saw me in the kitchen they both started laughing and ran up stairs together.
It's good that the two of them are getting along, but what do you make of that?

Cookie and her blubbering

2006-02-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

When I got home today Cookie was sitting at the kitchen table with a piece of paper in her hand and blubbering like a baby.
Geez oh Pete, what has Moonie done now!
Cookie handed me the paper.
It was an assignment from Felix's english class.
He had to write something called a haiku, which is some kind of poem.
This is what Felix wrote.

My dad is the best
He likes hockey, but I don't
He doesn't judge me

The little nob. I think that deserves a couple of Jay and Jay Chicken Burgers.

Cookie, stop that blubbering will ya!

What's in a name?

2006-02-10T08:40:00.000-04:00

The dog has a name.
Moonie suggested that Felix call him Boz.
Moonie said that Boz was the nickname of the writer Charles Dickens and that our Boz's story is like a classic Dickensian tale.
I told you Moonie was different.
I wonder if that book she carries around all the time is a classic Dickensian tale?
So I guess Boz is here to stay, 'cause a name sort of makes it permanent, doesn't it.

The smell of the greasepaint

2006-02-08T23:12:00.000-04:00

They're doing a play called South Pacific down at the school next month and my daughter Moonie is going to be the set designer and she asked us if Felix, the little nob, could help her out as an assistant.
I asked Moonie what the play was about and she said it was about Marines in World War II.
I told Cookie that this could be the perfect thing to get Felix's mind off figure skating. Marines and World War II are about as far away from figure skating as you can get.
So of course I ... we, said it was ok.
You know, I'm pretty handy with a hammer and a saw myself, and I thought maybe I could pitch in and lend a hand.
Thank god it's not one of those tutti-fruiti musicals like Cookie dragged me off to see in Halifax that one time when Lexter was a baby and Cookie was pregnant with Darlene and Betty Anne.
For the life of me I can't remember what it was called but it had a lot of singing cats in it, if you can believe that!

Man's best friend

2006-02-08T02:21:00.000-04:00

Betty Anne can sometimes say the stupidest things.

Felix, the little nob, had brought home a little one eyed pug dog that somebody had abandoned by the trash bin out back of the Quickie Mart.

Anyway, Cookie, and Darlene, and Moonie were out in the kitchen fussing something awful over the pooch when Betty Anne walks in all high and mighty and says:
My god, I've seen cuter looking rats out at the dump. Felix, next time try for a poodle, or better yet, just stick to figure skating.

After seeing how much fun the others were having that just frosted my butt to no end and without even thinking I said:
Betty Anne, the world isn't always a cute place and the sooner you find that out the better, now go out to the shed and help your brother find that box that the chain saw I got for Christmas came in, cause I'll be damned if that dog is going to share a bed with me.

Betty Anne also has crap clean-up duty for the next three weeks.

Our different one

2006-02-03T01:39:00.000-04:00

When you have five kids I guess you have to expect one to be a little different than all the rest.
Moonie would be our different one.
If she were to stay here she could easily get a job doing nursing at the hospital, but sometimes when she takes her nose out of that damn book she is always reading you can see a faraway look in her eye and you realize that the first chance she gets she'll be running off to Toronto or, heaven forbid, the States, and they'll be no looking back.
I'd worry about her, for sure, but I'd be more worried if she stayed here and was miserable for the rest of her life.

Trying to quit

2006-02-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

Cookie has been on me to quit smoking again.
She tells me to think of the grand kids and how breathing my cigarette smoke can't be good for them.
Now Cookie knows I would never do anything to hurt the little nobsters, but every time I think about quitting I see Felix with his weak ankles, or Moonie having one of her spells, or Darlene and Betty Anne being Darlene and Betty Anne and I just automatically light up another Rothmans.

That time of month

2006-02-01T17:48:00.000-04:00

At eleven o'clock last night Cookie decided she would start her time of the month, and guess who had to drive half way to Halifax because Cookie forgot to buy them the last time she went to the supermarket?
For the love of all things holy Cookie, there are four of you, why can't you buy in bulk?
And when Felix starts snooping around and discovers the box in the back of the bathroom cabinet you're going to have to explain it to him, and when you're done explaining it to Felix can you maybe explain it to me one more time?

Tupperware

2006-01-31T02:52:00.000-04:00

Cookie is a little miffed at the girls right now.
She wants to have a tupperware party the end of next month but none of the girls want to take part in it.
Cookie says she understands Moonie not wanting to take part, her being different and all, but she doesn't understand why Darlene and Betty Anne aren't dying to take part.
I think maybe Darlene and Betty Anne see their lives as an endless stream of tupperware parties and maybe they find it kind of depressing, but don't tell Cookie I said that, cause she might take it the wrong way, being that her life has been an endless stream of tupperware parties.

The simple things

2006-01-30T00:04:00.000-04:00

Cookie and the girls have gone to bingo, (Darlene and Betty Anne always make up in time for Sunday Bingo) and Moonie is taking Felix to the movies, so I have time to take a nice long hot bath and trim my toe nails in peace.
I just hope it's not that damn ice skating movie that's been advertised on tv all week.

Darlene and Betty Anne

2006-01-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

My girls Darlene and Betty Anne had a big fight last week, and of course neither of them will tell me what caused it.
I asked their sister Moonie what happened and she just rolled her eyes and gave me her crazy look and went back to reading that damn book she is always carrying around with her.
Sometimes I think I have a big tattoo on my forehead that reads
Hello, I'm Francis Pottie, If You're One Of My Daughters Please Ignore Me.

Felix

2006-01-24T19:10:00.000-04:00

Despite Cookie throwing a holy cat fit about his weak ankles I finally got Felix signed up for hockey.
His coach, Frenchy LeDueoux, says that Felix is a work in progress and that he doesn't want to throw him out on the ice right now against some of the more experienced boys in a game situation.
I don't know about that, but I do know that Frenchy is full of more crap than those septic tanks he installs.
I snuck into practice the other day and while the rest of the team were doing puck drills Felix and Dolph Soucy's little girl Gladys, who is only on the team so they qualify for money from the Nova Scotia Youth Hockey Association, were off by themselves skating double axels and figure eights.
Then just last week Cookie told me that Felix asked her for figure skates for his birthday next month.
Jesus Christ on a Hot Plate, I was hoping that Felix might be the next Wayne Gretzky not the next Brian Boitano.

Update on Lexter

2006-01-23T20:12:00.000-04:00

Now that Cookie and the girls are watching the Wheel I got a chance to get back online.
I guess I should tell you about Lexter, his wife Becky, and the triplets.
Lexter got a job as a mechanic at the Esso Station on the main highway over to Dominion. Lexter may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he knows all about car engines and the like. So with the money he makes from that, and the little extra he gets for helping Frenchy LeDeuoux dig septic tanks on the sly, him and Becky were able to get a place of their own just on the other side of the Canadian Tire store. Cookie, put up quite a stink about them moving out, something about all her chicks flying away. Jesus Christ on a hot plate Cookie, it's the other side of New Bedford, not the other side of the friggin' world.
Don't tell anybody, but I kind of miss Lexter, Becky, and the three little nobsters.

Oh yeah, I guess I should tell you that the triplets were born on New Years Eve, and everything went fine, and they're all healthy, and thank god none of them look like Lexter, let's just hope they didn't get his brain either.
They named them Lexter Junior, Constance, and Liane.
Lexter Junior is after Lexter, and Constance is after Cookie, because Constance is Cookie's real name, and Liane is after an actress from some movie that Becky saw before she met Lexter.

I was away

2006-01-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Eh, sorry that I've lost contact with you all, but last summer Darlene and Betty gave the computer some kind of virus and I just got around to getting it back from the shop. I let Carl, he's the guy who runs the computer repair place, install that new Windows software on it, and that caused all sorts of damn problems too.
I hope I can catch you up in the next couple of weeks.
I think the two girls need to get out on their own, but Cookie says that she needs their help around the house. Help with what, deciding whether to watch Oprah or Sally Jesse at 4 o'clock?

Happy 4th

2005-07-04T15:20:00.000-03:00

It's Independance day down in the states.
I had a cousin who visited the states once.
He went to Buffalo to see the Leafs play the Sabres in a playoff game.
He said they don't know a damn thing about hockey and they look at you funny when you ask for vinegar for your french fries.
I bet you can't get a decent Chicken Burger down there either.

Thursday night is chili night

2005-06-30T16:33:00.000-03:00

Since the week after Cookie and mine's honeymoon Thursday has always been chili for supper night.
But no, not tonight. Darlene and Betty Anne found a recipe on the back of a can of cream of potato soup, as if geez, I don't eat enough potatoes as it is, and they made some kind of cream of potato surprise.
Why did they have to pick chili for supper night to finally get off their butts and do something?

I'll probably be slipping out after Wheel of Fortune starts and go get me a couple of Jay and Jay Chicken Burgers. I think I'll take Felix along, the little nob could probably use a couple Chicken Burgers too.

Lexter and Becky

2005-06-29T14:54:00.000-03:00

My son Lexter is in a panic. They gave Becky the baby test at the hospital today and the doctor said there are three of them in there.
Maybe next time he'll wear a raincoat, what a nob!!!
I need a beer.

Felix

2005-06-28T15:54:00.000-03:00

I caught Felix in the bathroom today with one of his mother's lipsticks in his hand and a wistful look in his eye.
That's it!!!
Weak ankles or not, I'm signing that kid up for the summer hockey program.

My two normal daughters

2005-06-26T02:10:00.000-03:00

I swear, I don't know what Darlene and Betty Anne do with their time.
Whenever I walk in the kitchen they clam up.
I tried to get Cookie to have a talk with them, but she tells me that they are happy, and at least they don't act all squirrelly, like you know who, and that we should be thankful for that.

Haircut

2005-06-23T17:26:00.000-03:00

I had to get a haircut today, but it was Junior's day off so I had to get it cut by his assistant Naomi.
Sweet Sister of the Holy Virgin Mary, it just isn't right for a woman under 30 to give a man over 50 a haircut, unless she is an immediate family member, if you get my drift.
It's better that Cookie doesn't find out about this, she just wouldn't understand.

The letter

2005-06-22T06:46:00.000-03:00

I walked in today and my wife Cookie was sitting at the kitchen table reading a letter and crying.
For the love of Pete, I thought someone had died.
But no, it was a letter to Agnes Marie, that Cookie had found while looking for the hot water bottle in Agnes Marie's room, from some guy in Italy, who wanted to get to know Agnes Marie.
Italy!
Get to know!
Jesus Christ on a hot plate!
I need a beer.

Moonie

2005-06-21T16:24:00.000-03:00

I see my youngest daughter Agnes Marie found this site.
Her real name is Agnes Marie, but we call her Moonie because when she was a baby whenever her brother Lexter tried to say Agnes Marie it sounded like he was saying Moonie!

Maybe I should call her Moody, because she tries to bite my head off whenever I talk to her.

Cookie

2005-06-20T06:18:00.000-03:00

My wife Cookie wants to take a class on how to speak Italian from the community center. Good gravy Marie, we beat them in the last war, so shouldn't the Italians be taking classes on how to speak Canadian from their community center?

Father's Day

2005-06-19T12:46:00.000-03:00

My youngest son Felix made me a beer cozy for Father's Day. There has to be something wrong with that. Shouldn't he be out playing shinny or something?

My other daughter

2005-06-16T20:51:00.000-03:00

Geez Oh Pete, I think I'm going to have to take Agnes Marie to see the brain doctor. She says she isn't happy, for the love of Jesus, who is?
I think that teacher of hers from the States is behind all of this, him with his sideburns and bell bottomed trousers. God only knows what kind of ideas he's putting in Anges Marie's head.

A meal fit for a king

2005-06-15T15:30:00.000-03:00

My wife Cookie and my two oldest girls, Darlene and Betty Anne, are going shopping in Halifax for the weekend. Looks like I'll be living on Jay and Jay Chicken Burgers for a few days, which ain't all bad.

Break out the crap scoopers

2005-06-15T14:17:00.000-03:00

The Leafs Alumni Association is coming to town for a Donkey Basketball game next Friday night. I wonder if that son of a bitch Sittler will show up this time.

Lexter the nob

2005-06-15T13:43:00.000-03:00

My son Lexter is such a nob. I gave him money to go to the beer store to pick up a twelve pack of Molson's and he came back with two six packs instead.

#1

2005-06-15T06:51:00.000-03:00

The damn kids these days.
They go to Toronto and they come back and they're not normal.